Ehehehe...

Sorry Neko

one would on a site with tropes like The Problem with Licensed Games there'd be more interest in preventing Idiot Ball and Character Derailment....

Neko LLX: Shoehorning Tropes into TV Tropes discussion forums since 2010

edited 27th Jun '11 3:31:06 PM by NekoLLX

@kegisak thx :) @ sorry neko I am usually a slow reader. I could take a while at giving you feedback :/I wish I could read everyone's stuff:(

Thanks for your coments on Da btw. I guess I derailed Vegeta :D

edited 27th Jun '11 3:29:01 PM by FallenLegend

YMMV that just how I see the Vegetable Prince. Your either worthy of geting a beatdown from him or don't exist...or are Bulma

edited 27th Jun '11 3:33:52 PM by NekoLLX

@ Neko Working with small time slices here, so this and the last few posts took a while to put together.

Ok, comments:

• The situation as described in the letter seems a little contrived to me. I think it would actually be quite believable if some of them came with Twilight just to help a friend on a long journey.
• On a more minor note, the back to back uses of 'to my surprise' made the flow feel uneven for me, since the double use took my attention away from the narrative.
• Also, given the circumstances of Spike's birth, I find his knowledge of dragon culture with Twilight still being in the dark about it a little weird.
• Other than that, the exchange between Twilight and Dashie and then Dashie's ascent are fairly exciting, but unfortunately the roughness of the other parts distract from them.

@ Legend I agree with Kegisak that it's cheesy in a good way. Plus it's a goofy crossover gag, so I think there's a bit more leeway for derailment there.

Speaking of cheesy, I watched episode 2 again (for like the 10th or so time, hehehe) last night. The whole episode is so deliciously cheesy (in an epic kind of way), I love it. How about the rest of you? Episode 2 cheesiness = delicious, 'Yay.' or neigh (sorry, couldn't resist)?

Actually Neko LLX, I didn't want to accidentally crib ideas from another writer so I was kinda avoiding it. But since my own story is getting off the ground I don't think that'll be a problem, so I went and read it.

First off... the huge black wall at the end of the world is interesting, and having Rainbow Dash disappear at the end is a great way to give the reader an emotional investment. In short, you have a very sound idea.

There are some weaknesses though:

First, the opening letter to Princess Celestia. Try as hard as I might, I could not imagine that Twilight Sparkle dictated that thing. First, there's the general format of the latter. You have it bunched as one big paragraph. In actuality, letters are like this:

"Dear someone,

Blah dee blah dee blah.

Yours sincerely, someone else."

Trust me, this stuff is important. You can have the letter be italicized if you're afraid people will confuse it with the main body of the story.

Now let me break down some other things:

"And me, Spike?" Spike is presumably taking down a dictation, so he's only going to write down what Twilight tells him to. She would not tell him to write down "and me, Spike!" And I don't think Spike would take liberties. Keep in mind—we watch the show, we know that Spike does all of Twilight's writing, so the fact that he's there doesn't have to be explained—it can just be assumed.

Secondly, Celestia presumably knows who Twilight's friends are, and Twi calling them "the other Elements of Harmony" (a group title we've never heard her use in-show, mind) is kind of weird.

The letter as a whole comes off as forced, little more than an excuse to explain that "everyone is here" and give reasons. Again as I said earlier: not everything needs an in-depth explanation. The letter could easily have said "my friends all came with me for reasons of their own, " and you could have those reasons be gradually revealed as the story goes on.

The whole "you get the general gist right, but the soul is off" feel continues throughout the section you posted. You seem too worried about cramming in as much backstory and explanation early on as you can, and that causes your characterization to slip. What you should do, I think, is read your own draft, and try hard to imagine how it would play out as an episode of the show proper, and see if you can't spot parts that seem... incongruous.

Just keep in mind that not everything needs to be stated up-front. Concentrate on what's important right now.

Well the idea is sort of each one of them has plans to go there but there all backburner projects, Apply jack was never going to make it there on her own, Dash could wait ntil the wonderbolts were back in canterlot but since they all had things they wanted to do there they might as well go together.

I understand that you want to make them all distinct, but you don't have to give them all a "motive" for journeying. These are people who ran off to Froggy Bottom Bog just because Pinkie Pie had a spasm, after all.

Again, don't be too concerned with the "why" they do things. What they do is more important.

In case anypony missed it, I posted revisions to chapter one of my fic on the previous page.

I am never gonna get all this crap written...

You and me both, Pannic. You and me both.

I just like to pace myself.

A page or two a night is my schedule.

I'm in the terrible habit of "write when I feel like it." That leads to procrastination. On the upside, I have a page and a half of new chapter written just now, and a few bits of other chapters.

edited 27th Jun '11 4:18:16 PM by Pannic

alright re did the letter, i can probably just use the reason the ponies are here as a mechanic for you to talk and recruit each one

Dear Princess Celestia,

As per your request I have made it to outer colony of Trottingham to investigate the World's Edge. To my surprise my friends and Spike joined me for the journey, partially for their own reasons, their company for which I am eternally grateful.

Dash and I have just reached the World's End, the others busy in town. I will begin studying it immediately and Spike will keep you up to date.

Your Faithful Student, Twilight Sparkle.

@Anemoi I'm pretty sure I gave you feedback on that first part a while back, so I'm going to remark on Twilight's dream onward. That's a pretty vivid and haunting passage you wrote. I don't think I can see anything that could use revision.

Ummm I really wanna write a piece of fanfiction. I've never done so before but i always get ideas for them. I was wondering if writing it like a script would be feasible. Do people read fanfiction in the form of scripts? I also wanted to know if this premise sounds interesting:

Trixie teams up with Gilda and breaks into a top secret library in the clouds filled with hundreds of powerful books for Unicorns. In there she steals the most dangerous (but it has a laughable title) and escapes, vowing that her magic will be the best. Twilight finds out and Celestia sends Luna (who herself wants to reach out and help all the Equestrians she can as pennance for her time as Nightmare Moon) to help. Twilight recieves a book from Celestia that contains knowledge on how to tap into the elements of nature (Fire, Water etc). Powered up Trixie is too powerful to defeat and they all assimilate the elements to fight her off, they also find out that Trixie can't remember any of her life before the festival on the night Nightmare Moon returned. Desperate, Trixie decides to assimilate an all encompassing element Darkness. To the Mane cast's surprise she emerges as Nightmare moon, and it turns out that everything, including her initial defeat in the pilot, was all part of a Xanatos Roulette / Memory Gambit by Nightmare Moon to destroy the elements of Harmony.

even if no one cares, i'm writing it on the off chance someone will anyway

edited 27th Jun '11 4:43:15 PM by gingerninja666

Vivid and haunting was right where I wanted it.

You know, in spite of my big heart, I seem to specalize in mind-raping moments

ok got the next segment done, behind Recruiting Pinkie Pie

6 months later...

Setting: Trottingham is a relatively small town, focused mostly on the sciences and magic, as the town closest to the World's Edge it is a haven for those seeking to study it, and tends to be something of a tourists trap as well. Dragon's Head Inn: A large inn, carved from several large trees in the shape of a dragon, the door in it's mouth. Fluttershy is pacing here. Unicorn Academy: One part magic school, one part library, it is set in a large tree like the one in Ponyville but has several smaller buildings set among it's branches for different study groups. They are connected by planks suspended on rails of magic and react much like a rope bridge. Rarity can be found here. Iron Forge Smithy: Is set inside a huge black anvil, as large as any building, made of cast iron, with a visible smoke stack. Applejack can be found here. Nimbus Road: A cloud walkway that lead up to the cloud city above, only Pegasi can stand in the cloud city but the magical nimbus Road lets ground based ponies at least walk to the gate. Mackenzie’s Mad Warehouse of Everything Under the Sun: A general store that contains all manner of unusual and useful items. Pinkie Pie is here.

Twilight Sparkle (the Player), and Spike enter into town, and look around a moment. Twilight: Still no sign of Dash, or how to breach the barrier...Maybe the others have had some luck.

Player now has control. They can walk around, talk with merchants, the key point to advance the story happens after they talk with the other 4 Elements and add them to the Party, this can be done in any order.

Pinkie Pie: As you move to talk to pinkie pie she bounces all around you, “Did you find Dashie? Did ja! Did ja! Did ja?” TS: No, and I can't pierce the barrier either. Pinkie: Well I wouldn't worry to much, this says right here she joins the party eventually!

[Pinkie show you her book “Spoiler Free Guide to My Little Pony: Light And Dark”]

Pinkie: I can't believe they had a copy here! They have everything. (beat) Yes even roasted muffins!

[Pinkie Pie has joined the party!] PP: Let's gooooooo!

Crap. Working on chapter and everything's done in 590 words...

Tomorrow's gonna be GREAT!

Takes place during the episode "Party of One" in the time between the birthday party and the after-birthday party.

edited 27th Jun '11 5:17:22 PM by RichReeders

In you guys' experience, who's the hardest MLP character to write dialogue for?

I'd say any of the Apple family, simply due to their accent

Ironically their who I'm finding the easiest. I'm finding Pinkie a pain, because i find it hard to emulate her weird trains of thought

Try snifffing glue for a few minutes

@Anemoi: It's come up several times in the Negima fanfiction thread. If you hadn't disappeared on us, you would have heard about it by now.

@Neko: I'd like to comment, but I'm just kinda busy at the moment.

The only ponies I've written at length are Twilight and Rainbow Dash, so I can't really comment on who's hardest to write. I did a brief scene with the Cutie Mark Crusaders that gave me some trouble, but that was more about fitting them into the story than capturing the characters correctly.

edited 27th Jun '11 6:17:33 PM by JapaneseTeeth

You know now I want to write Pinkie, seeing as how I see myself in her somewhat