According to the Cartoon Brew FB page, Jerry has seen an AMV remixing one of Pinkie's songs and states that he now understands the fandom better.

@Moe Overall, the story feels a lot more fleshed out. What you've got so far definitely has that "leading up to something epic" feel. Here's a few more specific comments:

Chapter 1

• I giggled at the camera work paragraph after I realized it was happening. I was confused at first, but then you described it well enough that it managed to fit.
• The palace portion where Luna is searching for Celestia, wording doesn't feel as dire as the situation. Might be that the wording feels like a bit too much of a summary. For comparison, the description of the pool's first victim was quite immersive for me.
• Spike speaking absolutely about Sweetie's and the Cakes' thoughts despite no telepathic link bugs me a bit.

Chapter 2

• 'Player Spike' was a little bit of a Flat What for me. You know the place.
• A couple stealthier grammatical errors: 'Luna and twilight lead' should have 'led' instead of 'lead'; 'Celestia and I, ' not 'me and Celestia'
• I grinned when Luna got trolled by Celestia's safe note.

@ Moe.

Firs thing: DO NOT CENTER-ALIGN. It's difficult to read and interupts the story's flow.

anyone have any thoughts on the cold open for my game script posted a few pages back?

hey guys I just finished my comic. It's my first comic lol. I know it's to amateurish but it's a dedication to all the fans of this show. Hope you guys like it and/or give me feedback!

Everyone that likes this show is a badass in my book.

http://mythicsonofgod.deviantart.com/gallery/#/d3k68at (part1)

http://mythicsonofgod.deviantart.com/art/Naruto-becomes-a-brony-2-2-215284386 (part2)

edited 27th Jun '11 1:19:43 PM by FallenLegend

Dude, you draw way better than I could ever hope for.

TOTALLY worth droppin to ED

Oh BTW...

Anyone here play Terraria?

edited 27th Jun '11 1:05:09 PM by Anemoi

thanks a lot

commented on the DA

I watched this series when I saw it getting referenced everywhere, which made it hard to avoid. Also the fanfic with Luna and the toaster; I enjoyed it. That said, it's pretty good. I appreciate kids' programmes when they're done well.

I'm not too keen on these "Cutie Mark Crusader" characters, though. Don't they seem kind of limited? There doesn't really seem to be much to them beyond getting these magic tattoos. Maybe Apple Bloom is a better developed character, but she'd been in it for a while before the group appeared. Even their character development episode (the one with the talent show, I think) didn't change much about them.

Anyway, because Merchandise Driven programmes (regardless of how much creative integrity they have) avoid changing character designs where they can avoid it, chances are they'll probably never get the damn things.

I don't know if other people have reservations about them, though. It doesn't bother me too much, mind you. After all, it's only a cartoon; it's impressive that it's been done so much better than one would expect of it.

I like them. You're right in that the odds of them achieving their goal is slim (My bet is they'll get them in a season premiere or season finale) but when rationed just right they're cute, funny and endearing.

The best thing they can do for development now is give ONE of the crusaders their cutie mark, just to see the strain it would have on their relationship

i don't see the cutie marks being a problem, really it's sticker they attach to the flank, not a big manufacturing problem but it let's them market "pre and post" cutiemark figures without needing 2 molds for someone like Rainbow Dash.

Wasn't the problem Hasbro wanting the episodes to be airable in any order? If they got thei cutie marks mid-season, they might air another episode of them searching for their cutie marks after that one, causing confusion.

Reposting the cold open for my game so i can get some input

MLP LAD

Act 1: Rainbow Dash

Dear Princess Celestia, As per your request I have made it to outer colony of Trottingham to investigate the World's Edge. To my surprise my friends, the other Elements of Harmony, (and me Spike!), joined me for the journey. Rarity had been meaning to come to Trottingham for some time to get some newer fabrics to experiment with while Applejack, much to my surprise said she had business out here as well, and it was not Sweet Apple Acres business. It seems she had saved the fragments of Nightmare Moon when we purified her, they were a strange material and incredibly heavy, but a pony by the name of Iron Forge said he might be able to do something constructive with them. The problem was that to get them out of the castle Applejack needed the help of her entire family so transporting them halfway across the world has always been something a low priority. When she learned the rest of us were headed this way she asked if we could help transport the good, and we agreed. Fluttershy was curious about the Trottingham wildlife, and Dash said the Wonderbolts were giving training lessons to the Pegasi of Trottingham. Pinkie Pie insisted on coming along to make sure we had fun, so I got to undertake this journey with my friends, for which I am eternally grateful. Dash and I have just reached the World's End, the others busy in town so I will begin studying it immediately and spike will keep you up to date.

Your Faithful Student, Twilight Sparkle.

“Ok Spike you can send it now.” The violet unicorn nodded as she finished her dictation.

Spike, the purple dragon, rolled up the scroll and in a puff of green fire it vanished.

Rainbow Dash moved left and right, tilting her head her and there, “So this is the end of the world huh?” she said pawing at the field of black energy that rose as high as she could see, and yet it seemed to have a tangible end just beyond the edge of her vision. “I could just fly over it.”

Twilight Sparkle moved over to her friend and looked up, pulling a small book magically from her saddle bag, “Other Pegasi have tried, ” she related as she read, “It's some kind of illusion, it seems to end but the higher you go, the higher it goes. I don't think flying is going to cut it.”

Rainbow Dash smiled cockily, “No other Pegasus has been me! Watch I’ll go find out for you!”

“Dash wait!” Twilight called out as the rainbow maned unicorn shot straight up.

“You know even the violet dragons could never break the barrier, ” Spike mused in a unusual moment of reflection, “My grandfather once tried though.”

Twilight looked to her friend, “Really” she said intrigued as she leafed through the book, “I don't see any mention of dragons in here.”

Spike got quiet, “We aren't very...talkative with non dragons about our history.”

“This has something to do with the Dragon Civil War doesn't it?” Twilight raid raising a brow.

Spike gasped, “How did you?”

“We have met a few dragons, and your all not the same. You don't even get along with each other in some cases, it just made sense.”

After a moment Spike nodded in shame, “We dragons aren't as...united...as I would like.” the sorrow in his voice could be cut with a sword.

“I can see it!” Rainbow Dash called out excitedly, “Just a little higher!”

It was true Dash saw something just past the edge of the barrier, and so she ascended but it was hardly close, rising higher and higher, faster and faster she grunted, 'No stupid magic barrier is going to best Rainbow Dash!'

As she picked up speed and focused it happened, for one brief instant Rainbow Dash saw a ocean on the other side of the barrier, what's more she saw a ship, the figures on it indistinct but clearly they were fighting. And she was not about to sit idly by.

The sky exploded in light high above Twilight Sparkle, and the barrier seemed to flicker for only a brief moment, in that moment Twilight Sparkle and Spike saw a boat on the ocean and a rainbow contrail rushing toward it before the wall once more became opaque.

“Dash? Dash!” Twilight called, Spike joining in a moment. “DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASH!”

But there was only silence.

---

6 months later...

@Fallen; This isn't an insult, but...oh my, that was so incredibly cheezy. In a good way, mind, it put a big, stupid grin on my face.

@Moe: I definitely like this version a lot better than the first one. Spike's voice in the narration is still funny, but you've done a good job of keeping it out of the more serious moments. I don't know if I mentioned it before, either, but I really like the telepathy as a rationalism for Spike being able to narrate everyponies thoughts, and I get the feeling it will be good when the ponies inevitably get split up. Your pacing is better this time, too, but I still think it could use some work - The Glass Book seemed almost glossed over after everything they went through to get to it. I know it's not hugely important, but...

That actually brings me to the biggest thing I notice about the story. You do a really great job of making atmosphere in some places, but it isn't really consistent. The part about the black pools is scary, and tense, but going back to Canterlot is just sort of...eh. And that could work; having a first person narrator means that we will, inevitably feel whatever they feel at the moment. If Spike were in shock at Canterlot, that might be something, but it really just feels like he's taking it in stride. And there's a lot of stuff that could be really, really cool - you've set yourself up for metric butt-tons of mysticism, and it might be played on in later chapters, but now...Well, looking back at the Glass Book again. Just from the name alone, it sounds really, really cool. But when they're looking at it, it just doesn't seem that special. I think's it's just because you don't spend much time talking about it. It's just sort of, 'oh. A book made of glass that contains all knowledge about everything. Okay'.

I don't mean to gripe too much; most of these complaints come down to one main problem; you don't describe things enough. It might just be a stylistic preference on my part, but stuff like this I like to hear about. This is magical, and mystical and mysterious, I want to get really pulled into this, and you can't do that if you just say something is there. And it's not just the atmosphere that suffers for it, either, the emotions take a blow from it as well. Like, the fact that The Glass Book effectively made Nightmare Moon. How does Luna feel about the book, after that? How would she feel, asking the guardian of this book, a guardian set in place specifically so that she couldn't get her hands on it, to just hand over the object that made her immensely powerful? That would throw all those memories right in her face, remind how much the world is afraid of her. If she has a connection with Spike, I'd maybe have him take a peek in her head, see what she's thinking, how wracked with guilt she must be. It would be a great moment to create sympathy for her - she's lost one of the few people in the world who still loves her after all she's done, she forced to ask the help of the ponies that brought her to her knees, ponies who must feel strongly about her after what she put them through getting to her, she has to face the mistakes she made in the past pretty much face-to-face, things that could bring anyone to their knees on their own, but she keeps fighting on. I mean, there's the inherent danger of that making her feel like the protagonist more than the mane six, but still.

Still, all that aside you do build a pretty interesting plot here; you make the reader really know that there's something huge happening, and we want to keep on, and find out more. That's the strongest thing about your story, the driving force behind it, is that overhanging mystery. It hasn't showed up in force yet, But you can definitely tell this is going to be epic. The sense that it's a movie, the 'left over magic' making Spike write it like a screenplay, is sort of funny too, and I'm interested to see how you roll with it - but the thing is, you do need to work with it. If that becomes a throwaway joke, it'll sour in the memory of the story.

You mean like how Fall came after the Winter Wrapup? a pre mark episode after a post mart episode isn't much different

It's actually in Hasbro's benefit to give them cutie marks eventually. Why? MORE TOYS, of course! A cutie mark edition would be great(oh god, I'm thinking like an exec. Kill me).

That said, they're all really incidental characters. I mean, they have...three, four episodes in the first season? three or four out of Twenty Six? And even the episodes in which they do feature prevalently work really heavily towards building up the world. I thin they could still stand to be developed more, but they are slowly getting there. Ironically, they get their most development when they're incidental to the plot, interacting with the mane six in one of their episodes.

edited 27th Jun '11 1:58:22 PM by kegisak

That would be entertaining. A good opportunity for a moral at the end of the story too.

As far as they go as characters, Apple Bloom is the best one, because she'd been a main character in the Zecora episode and was the focus of the one that introduced the other two at the end. There's not much to say about Sweetie Belle; she's probably the least remarkable of the three. Scootaloo probably has the most potential for interesting stories, if fanfiction is any indicator, but I think she's the least endearing member of the trio. I can't quite put my finger on why, though. An instinctive reaction, perhaps.

I think it's because Scataloo is a Ascended Fanboy of Dash, which rubs all us real fanboys the wrong way on some instinctual level, she jockying for position of Alpha Fan!

Still reading and re-reading the other comments, but I'm gonna reply to this one:

Huh? The text is only center-aligned during the title/author/chapter headings. The rest is left-aligned.

@Kegisak - Don't worry, I like detailed, ragging-on commentaries! Actually, you hit on a lot of things I've been mulling over and debating with myself about, and its helped make a lot of things clearer.

edited 27th Jun '11 2:24:55 PM by MoeDantes

I'm liking Spike. He's got a voice and personality that makes him seem like an eager little boy, and provides some welcome breaks from the female cast.

It looks center aligned all the way down in my version.

Oh btw, here's more of my story. Obviously not finished, but maybe some feedback can give me the inspiration to write more.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1OOlus2QsaDNkFDT_BgvB13Y1gOvaWxcg95wptSkI03M/edit?authkey=CO3mqPwJ&hl=en_US&pli=1

edited 27th Jun '11 2:50:36 PM by Anemoi

Ugh, I've totally neglected to check on this thread in like the past month. I don't really have a lot to comment on, other than the fact that I'm currently writing a crossover story involving MLP characters, which is here, if anyone is interested. The other main series involved at the moment is Negima!, although eventually other series' are going to be incorporated. If I get that far.

Hey Teeth. Why didn't you tell me you were writing a crossover?

Google Docs must've screwed with it, then.

A friend suggested an alternative, so I'm probably going to stop using Google Docs. In the meantime I'm going to post revisions right here on the board if nopony minds.

Anyway:

Revisions made to Ch. 1

Luna's memories of the attack on Canterlot:

Acting on Kuroi's advice, changed a section of this paragraph so it no longer sounds like Spike's reading Sweetie Belle's mind:

And the same for the Cakes:

I'll post the revisions to Chapter Two when they're done.

edited 27th Jun '11 3:05:52 PM by MoeDantes

So i'm going to go out on a limb here and say everyone's eyes just gloss over when i ask for input for the cold open of my rpg?