@Pannic: Well, on the whole I quite liked it. Ritarando is a pretty interesting Character, and I'm pretty curious about how mysterious you've made him - Very much looking forward to reading more. That said...well, you asked for critique, so critique you get!
The first thing that really jumps out at me is the formatting of the thing - that is to say, the choice to have every thing distinct in a separate body of text, like how this and my compliments above are separate. Now, I realize it doesn't really matter, as it won't be published professionally, but it just looks odd to me. That, and some of the bodies are awfully short, especially during the conversation. If you're treating the breaks like new paragraphs, I'd suggest extending them by giving a bit of exposition, talking about what the characters are doing and the like. This gives you an opportunity to move the characters around in the environment, and set up for something. That way, the piece flows well, ass opposed to one character doing something, then another doing something else, and so on, which feels...jerky, I suppose is the best way of putting it. There's one line in particular that jumped out at me, at that - "The thunder crashed again". It can work as an independent line, if it's being used for something dramatic, but that doesn't seem to be the case here, so I'd suggest mincing it in with another line of exposition.
On that note, and the note of characterization, when Gold Standard is introduced, her dialogue doesn't quite match with her dialogue throughout the rest of the chapter. Her first line sounds somewhat disjointed and broken - not like broken english, but like someone speaking in shorthand, as opposed to voicing their entire though, similar to Mordin from
Mass Effect, if you're familiar with the character. Given that she immediately starts speaking normally afterwards, I'd assume it was because she was focusing on something else, but I figured I'd point out that it isn't quite clear.
One final note is the use of interrupts. They are a few instances where you add an idle detail with brackets, mostly confined to the beginning of the story. If it's meant to be a stylistic choice, as though we're being told this by a narrator who occasionally stops to clarify himself, then that's okay, but it should be fairly consistent. As it is, it just feels like it interrupts the rhythm of the story, and a few of the interrupts aren't terribly pertinent to the story, or could be eased in (For example, changing "Gold Standard (or “Goldie, ” as some friends called her)" to something like, "Gold standard, whose friends knew her as Goldie", or even simply replacing the brackets with commas, which feels much smoother). Of course, that's mainly a stylistic choice on my part, but on the note of details there is one line that needn't exist, which comes at the end of the description of Raincloud: "But we’ll actually meet her later".
The Law of Conservation of Detail isn't wholly
necessary in writing, given that it can go on for as long as you like, so you don't have to compress the story at all, readers are still very much aware of it - which is why you don't ever see books with involved side-plots that never go anywhere. Not even in
Twilight, much as it seems like it at times. Ehm, I seem to have [[Metaphorgotten lost my point...]]Basically what I mean to say is that we've just read a paragraph dedicated to Raincloud, so the reader is going to assume she shows up, so you don't need to tell them. Likewise, Constable Brownie and Gold Standard are both assumed to be important, wheras the shoplifter and the jerky Pegasus are not, as they are never named.
whoo...Hope that wasn't too harsh on you, I've gotten so used to ripping into stuff in college...like I said, it's pretty interesting, and i'll definitely be paying attention to see where it goes next.
edited 30th Mar '11 11:46:05 PM by kegisak
