@Moe: A simple "You might want to read that scene again more carefully" would work I think.

edited 9th Jul '12 2:06:51 PM by Bluespade

Spiderarity.◊

I decided to check the story first. Just remembered I heavily revised that one before posting it (he's commenting on Chapter 2) and I may have added some humanbuse... although I don't know why I would.

EDIT: Nope, she doesn't hit him in this version either.

edited 9th Jul '12 2:15:33 PM by MoeDantes

OK, the link to chapter one is fixed.

New headcanon.

edited 9th Jul '12 2:12:42 PM by SuperGex

Ok, looks like chapter one was so awful it killed all of you. Or you're trying to wipe your own puke off the keyboard.

Naw, I'm just chatting in #celestiaradio right now :P

edited 9th Jul '12 2:19:40 PM by Sixthhokage1

ok brony international Gaurd has a new sequel up YAY!, and it's alredy hilarious, when the beging has Celestia Trolling a group of humans into thinking they got sent to the moon without actaully doing so, and Twilight telling a human to get naked (NOT for that, IMSIC) For Science! yeah you got a good start.

and a group of bronies hassling "Time Turner" who has no idea about being a doctor, or what this "Pncoming Storm" is all about

edited 9th Jul '12 2:22:50 PM by Seraphem

I'll give it a looksie.

edited 9th Jul '12 2:21:40 PM by Pannic

Pony Worf

ahaha what

@Gex: I don't have time to go over it in detail at the moment, but I did skim it. There are two things I noticed that you might want to take a look at:

1. There's a lot of meta commentary in the narration. This isn't necessarily a bad thing, but it's really easy to overdo that kind of humor, so you might want to tone it down a little.

2. Whenever you have dialogue from a new speaker, it starts a new paragraph. There are quite a few points where you have someone start to talk in the middle of a paragraph, when it should start a new one. For instance you currently have:

when it should be more along the lines of

I like the overall idea though. I can definitely imagine Twilight freaking out over something like that. Also, I think you did a real good job writing Pinkie. That line about her mouth marrying the sandwich fits her perfectly.

edited 9th Jul '12 2:28:13 PM by JapaneseTeeth

Yeah, the entire first paragraph could stand to be axed, and it's worth pointing out that self-referential metafiction is not inherently funny, and if it fails at being funny it only stands to take the reader out of the story.

The core problem is that the narrator is getting in the way of the actual story.

Mechanics-wise it's decent, but you've got some problems with punctuating dialogue.

edited 9th Jul '12 2:34:43 PM by Pannic

Gex, most of my complaints are in regards to the commentary running throughout. Now I don't mind commentary in an epistolary format as it fits in that case, but generally if you try to insert commentary in your story otherwise, it just feels out of place. I'd also argue that some of the expository commentary you drop feels like its there to pad out the length without necessarily adding to the story, something every writer should try to avoid.

edited 9th Jul '12 2:38:35 PM by Drenius

Yeah, what it comes down to is the story is entertaining enough on it's own; we don't need the narrator interrupting the story with jokes the whole way through. The bits with Twilight and Spike that don't have the meta commentary are probably the best parts of it.

edited 9th Jul '12 2:36:57 PM by JapaneseTeeth

Wow, it sure has gotten quiet here.

love that fall foliage

edited 9th Jul '12 2:58:09 PM by Drenius

...it was only a 20 minute gap in posts, man.

It kind of bugs me when artists mix detail like that. Applejack is drawn cleanly and fully detailed, but background (especially the leaves) is all abstract and vaguely defined. Pick one or the other, people.

Um, it has good colors.

edited 9th Jul '12 3:00:10 PM by Bluespade

That is a bit...odd

Looks like it was a deliberate choice too, because this pic by the same artist doesn't really have that problem. It's pretty great.

edited 9th Jul '12 3:01:59 PM by Bluespade

It looks quite pretty, IMO. I'm not going to fault an artist for a unique style.

I'm going to agree with Bluespade here. It would look absolutely amazing if they'd done Applejack in the same style as the background though.

Reviewing in-character!

I disagree with the humans, I liked the meta stuff. Also I so identified with Twilight Sparkle. Getting a high score on Burgertime is not an easy task, and I think Celestia is lying if she says she's done it.

Your fanfic made me hungry though, Super Gex. You're a tasty gecko, aren't you?

There's a place for meta-narration, to be sure. I, for one, like a good Lemony Narrator, so long as the narrator itself is an actual character, with personality, opinions, and the like (development optional).

@Blue: I kinda agree, but it's not exactly a question of detail; it's more one of style differences. AJ is drawn much more similarly to the show, while the background is a lot more impressionistic.

And yeah, meta-narration isn't bad, it's just that it can get in the way of the story if you aren't careful about it, and in this specific case I think toning back would probably help, especially because the story itself isn't nearly as over the top as the narration is. The other thing, which is kind of a meta-complaint, is that doing blatantly self-aware fanfic is something of a cliche, so unless the narrator adds a lot to the story, it's a bit of a risky move. If you develop it from chapter to chapter it could work, but if he's just sort of there for the heck of it, it could be a problem.

edited 9th Jul '12 3:10:26 PM by JapaneseTeeth

Okay, I responded to the criticism and got rid of the meta commentary, save for the line about the watermelon. Don't bother checking the Google Docs version, though, it remains unedited.