MLP Forum Archive - Page 4031

#100751 crowlover Sat, 18th Feb '12 1:59:59 PM

Paragraph 5: I think it should be "magically kept"

Paragraph 7: "her second crown" and Clover "had helped" make it.

#100752 L Mage Sat, 18th Feb '12 2:00:51 PM from The Moon

Yeah....I need a beta for spelling and stuff. But on everything else? The goal of the prolog is to interest the reader, draw them into the story. In my original I also went on about how Princess Platinum entombed herself in crystal to insure her place in Equestrian History, but omitted it from the re-write because every time I tired to put the words back together it came out sounding...off.

Gay, Autistic, Nerd, Gamer, Gleek, Brony, Writer, Fan, Master Of The Ever Changing Avatar, Mad Man.

I am in fact awesome.

#100753 crowlover Sat, 18th Feb '12 2:03:10 PM

Paragraph 8: I'd recommend "put a spell on the walls" and get rid of "too"

Final paragraph: "donned" instead of "dawned." And the ending seems a bit abrupt.

Otherwise, I like it.

Then again, I'm mostly good for spelling/grammar errors...

edited 18th Feb '12 2:08:19 PM by crowlover

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#100754 Badwolfwho Sat, 18th Feb '12 2:04:01 PM from Stardust Road

I think it works. By omitting what Platinum does next you make it a mystery which should always be more intriguing than simply being told what happens straight away.

I imagine that the spoilered detail will be revealed later on in the story?

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#100755 Emidawg Sat, 18th Feb '12 2:04:12 PM

Pinkie going without sweets for a week would look like that Discorded Trixie pic that was posted oodles of posts back.

#100756 Sydxelia Sat, 18th Feb '12 2:04:22 PM

@ Syd

Hey, I'll take her in all sizes!

It's like I said before: When it comes to Pinkie, you're the Anti-Ginger.

Pronounced "Sid-zellia"

Fools! You've overestimated me!

#100757 L Mage Sat, 18th Feb '12 2:04:54 PM from The Moon

-goes to implement changes-

I promise the first chapter wont be as...bad...as the prolog.

Gay, Autistic, Nerd, Gamer, Gleek, Brony, Writer, Fan, Master Of The Ever Changing Avatar, Mad Man.

I am in fact awesome.

#100758 Badwolfwho Sat, 18th Feb '12 2:05:24 PM from Stardust Road

@ Syd: Nah the anti-Ginger would hate Pinkie being treat like a character and love her being treat as a device to dispense humour.

Edit: Which episode is this from?

edited 18th Feb '12 2:06:52 PM by Badwolfwho

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#100759 Applelight Limited Sat, 18th Feb '12 2:08:23 PM from Manehattan to Canterlot

@ Syd

Eeeyep!

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#100760 L Mage Sat, 18th Feb '12 2:10:13 PM from The Moon

The Last Roundup, I think.

Gay, Autistic, Nerd, Gamer, Gleek, Brony, Writer, Fan, Master Of The Ever Changing Avatar, Mad Man.

I am in fact awesome.

#100761 Sydxelia Sat, 18th Feb '12 2:10:52 PM

@ L Mage: In the second paragraph, "to tacky fools" should be "for tacky fools".

You're a good writer. I hope you're saving your hard work often, this time.

Pronounced "Sid-zellia"

Fools! You've overestimated me!

#100762 Seraphem Sat, 18th Feb '12 2:11:16 PM from Delamare

Pinkie herself leaked the song because she knew it's bright happy, pure joy would make people smile when they heard it and couldn't stand the thought of them having to wait to do so.

Build a fool proof system, and the world will create a better fool.

#100763 Badwolfwho Sat, 18th Feb '12 2:11:54 PM from Stardust Road

@ L Mage: You have a where in the second paragraph where it should be were. And there's a remains where it should just be remain.

edited 18th Feb '12 2:12:32 PM by Badwolfwho

Tealove is best pony.Pony Fanon Index

#100764 Sydxelia Sat, 18th Feb '12 2:12:19 PM

@ L Mage: In the second paragraph, "to tacky fools" should be "for tacky fools".

Oh, and in the same sentence, you forgot to capitalize "She".

edited 18th Feb '12 2:13:01 PM by Sydxelia

Pronounced "Sid-zellia"

Fools! You've overestimated me!

#100765 Badwolfwho Sat, 18th Feb '12 2:12:52 PM from Stardust Road

Nope there's a comma.

Tealove is best pony.Pony Fanon Index

#100766 Sydxelia Sat, 18th Feb '12 2:14:14 PM

Nope there's a comma.

OK, I just magnified the text. Damn aging eyes.

Pronounced "Sid-zellia"

Fools! You've overestimated me!

#100767 dmysta 3000 Sat, 18th Feb '12 2:15:00 PM from New York and New Jersey

Just realized there is no new episode next week.

Dammit I want my Fluttershy episode faster!

edited 18th Feb '12 2:15:57 PM by dmysta3000

"So again, I fight evil...."

#100768 Seraphem Sat, 18th Feb '12 2:16:40 PM from Delamare

It takes an extra week to convince Fluttershy to appear with that much focus.

Build a fool proof system, and the world will create a better fool.

#100769 Sydxelia Sat, 18th Feb '12 2:18:26 PM

Just realized ther is no new episode next week.

Yeah, that sucks. I want a new episode every week, 52 weeks a year.

I'm only half joking, here.

Pronounced "Sid-zellia"

Fools! You've overestimated me!

#100770 crowlover Sat, 18th Feb '12 2:20:11 PM

We don't want the MLP staff to work themselves so hard that they'll try and get themselves cancelled.

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#100771 Sydxelia Sat, 18th Feb '12 2:23:07 PM

End of the seventh paragraph, "spells or protection." should be "spells of protection."

Pronounced "Sid-zellia"

Fools! You've overestimated me!

#100772 Red Savant Sat, 18th Feb '12 2:23:46 PM from Eastern US

Incidentally, there's a new pegasus colt in 'Smile, Smile, Smile' I just noticed. Grey-blue kid with brownish hair.

Can you think inside the chimney?

#100773 Whatshisgame Sat, 18th Feb '12 2:26:36 PM

He's also a Palette Swap of Young!Dumb-Bell (one of the sports pegasi, as seen in "The Cutie Mark Chronicles"), so we know what he'll probably look like when he grows up.

edited 18th Feb '12 2:27:04 PM by Whatshisgame

#100774 L Mage Sat, 18th Feb '12 2:30:50 PM from The Moon

@ Bad

Yup, it actually inspired by a scene from Tomb Raider Legends where Lara uncovered King Arthur's tomb only to discover that he and Excalibur are entombed in a crystal rather then a real grave.

edited 18th Feb '12 2:30:58 PM by LMage

Gay, Autistic, Nerd, Gamer, Gleek, Brony, Writer, Fan, Master Of The Ever Changing Avatar, Mad Man.

I am in fact awesome.

#100775 Sydxelia Sat, 18th Feb '12 2:34:09 PM

Eighth paragraph: "met the Princess wants" should be "met the Princess's wants".

If I'm annoying you, I'll stop.

Pronounced "Sid-zellia"

Fools! You've overestimated me!